Loving What Is


I’ve been spending time with a lot of friends lately, and feeling grateful for my life.  My day to day existence is still somewhat surprising to me.  I really enjoy the mornings, seeing the sun come up, waking up the kids if they’re here. There is just a calm happiness about getting up and going to work, I like it. At night, Rowan’s been reading to Nova from my book, “Great Swedish Fairy Tales,” and she’s so good at it, it makes me smile.

We had our friend Peter from Sweden in town recently.  He was here on business, but the ex and I and the kids went and took him out to dinner.  Wow, was I proud of the girls.  We were there for two hours and they handled it well.  He is the kind of guy everyone wants to be friends with, intelligent, kind, and funny.  A good soul all around.  But it was a bit surreal, hanging out with L. and driving back into town together, in the dark over these old country backroads that I haven’t visited in five years.  Divorce is a strange thing when you are still friends with the person you were married to.  But worse, I suppose, if you weren’t.

Then I had to talk with the guy I had been interested in.  We had been sort of dating, and he had the potential to be something more.   The whole package, genuine, smart, very sexy. *sighs*  Damn sexy, to tell the truth.  But you know, you can focus on the experience you want or try to hold onto a specific person with lesser results.  After all, I know I don’t know everything, and I only want someone who wants me back the same way I want them.  I can like someone, but I don’t believe in giving up what I want most for what I want now.  So, either the match was wrong or the timing was off–but the causation is irrelevant.  It just wasn’t a great dating experience, because though I had fun, I never knew if I’d even see him once a week.  Had to let it go, but it’s comforting that the older I get, the more equanimous I get.  I feel pretty okay about all of it.  Actually, I feel grateful that I got to experience my fantasy for a little bit, even if the reality wasn’t what I wanted.  Sort of like a beta ping from the Universe.  “Here’s a partial match for you, what about this?  He’s realllllyyyyyy cute.”  No thanks, Universe, I know what I want.  And I’m willing to say no to things that don’t fulfill me.

Meanwhile, work has been going great.  Makes my brain hurt on a pretty constant basis – I love that.  I love that kind of challenge.  I am nowhere where I want to be, but man, do I want to get there.  Had my review and it was awesome, so that was really nice.  I may not have a Ph.D. in medical physics, but I love trying to make things better for our customers.  I’m also realizing how strong my sense of empathy really is, and how much I love explaining things to people, elucidating concepts.  I love when my brain suddenly understands something new – and then I want to go tell people how cool this new thing is that I learned.  I am in a really good place right now, workwise.

The other thing I’ve been working is my health.  I’ve been doing hot yoga.  Wow, is that ever amazing!  I go and sweat like a pig, then come home and scrub myself clean.  Then I get to sit naked and watch old movies like “Tron” while drinking bourbon.  It’s damn fantastic.  (Okay, okay, I don’t do this if the kids are around)

I printed out a life calendar recently, and it was inspiring.  Something like this, where every year is a row and there are 52 columns.  A week is a square, and I gave myself 98 rows.  I used to think I would live to 100 and die in my sleep (barring accidents), but now I’m guessing that most of my friends will die before me.  I’m probably going to get bored about age 98 and then I’ll just decide to die.  My body usually obeys me.

I posted it in my cubicle and it’s great to see how much time I have left.  I might actually be able to do some good before I die, it makes me happy.  I still don’t know why I’m here, but the more I work at bettering myself, the more I feel like I might have something worthwhile to give back.

Author: ~R

I write about life, people, and the things that interest in me. Which often includes death, sex, friendship, and the future of humanity. I hope for the best in people and I prepare for the worst. But no matter what happens, change is constant and everything will be ok.

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