I so did not want to get up this morning. I stayed up too late on Saturday–I ended up driving around on backroads in the night. It’s so strange, what people do when your brain won’t shut off. Driving in the dark. But I made my way back to my friends’ house and slept over there. I woke up at my usual time and just stared at the ceiling for a couple of hours.
I had been talking too much about my marriage on Saturday. Telling the old story, my side of it at least, and it’s still strange to look back on. You start to wonder sometimes if you could ever do that again.
Friday morning when I dropped off the kids, Rowan was so happy. She was going to hand out valentines’ and get candy and go snowshoeing and her story was all typed up and ready to go. She was telling me what a great day it was going to be and I looked at her and just loved her. I’m still kind of surprised how easy it is to love her and her sister. I never hold back, there is nothing to hold back from. How different from my marriage where there were hurts and unresolved things and the ending was that we brought out the worst in each other.
I still believe in love. And it’s not hard to get dates, when I choose to, because I genuinely adore men. Men are just all kinds of awesome. They can be really cool friends, and smart, and funny–and then there’s that element of sexual tension and physicality that’s like nothing else. But I was reading about all sorts of love things this weekend and especially about gazing into your lover’s eyes for three minutes or more will make you feel closer to that person. Wow. I don’t think I have looked into anyone’s eyes for a solid three minutes or more without flinching for years. (Keeping the kids out of it, obviously). I don’t know if I could even do that right now. I think when I can, I will know that I’m ready.
So my opinion is that when you’re feeling vulnerable, you should hang out with people who love you. I spent the entire weekend out of town with friends. One friend made me Sunday morning crepes and then I hung out with his wife who was an old roommate of mine. She was still in bed so we sat and talked for awhile and then took a nap. I have people in my life now where I’ve been friends with them for 10, 15, 20 years. We feel asleep in her bed and it was like we were in college again, talking about boys and life and stuff. We finally got up for real in the early afternoon to hit the tail end of the steampunk faire. I wore her leggings and she wore my corset.
And then I had to go home and get ready for life again on Monday.