Here it is March and the good thing is that except for one small pile, my papers are completely organized. Which is good, because the marital settlement is not completed and I’m running into a deadline. Tonight I have the kids and I’m always amazed how there’s just never any time. I cooked dinner (a real one with shrimp, garlic, and angel hair so woot! me), but after cleanup and making sure my eldest did her homework, spelling, math, math practice, reading, and lines for her play, that was it. We’re done. It’s 9:00 pm and I know most people put their kids to bed and then get stuff done. But I’m always so tired. I go to bed with my kids because anything less then 7 hours turns me into a crazy person. Bad crazy.
The strange thing is that I’m still working out how to be consistently happy. I enjoy my days off from kids, yet I like the schedule we have because they are my emotional reset button. I am fortunate that when I’m with them, I’m just with them, with less of the inner chatter. It’s only when the day is over and realize again I did not work out, again I accomplished little, that I feel sad. Yet when I don’t have them, I still manage to fritter away my time.
I did my Enneagram test and it was amazingly accurate; disturbing to read, too. I know I have faults, like anyone, yet I feel like my faults are unforgivable. Yet I would never be so cruel to anyone else, not the way I am cruel to myself. I am making progress on my life. . . but. Well, transitional period, I hope.