I’m still a bit jetlagged, or maybe coming down with a cold, but I went to work today and was not very productive.  I even forgot my lunch, so in the morning I stopped to get a cafe miel and a chocolate croissant for lunch later.  Yes, so very healthy.  But it did the bill and I finished my book.  Luckily, it ended up on a happy note.  One thing that doesn’t seem to change about me is my obsession with death.  I really want to get to that state where everything is as it should be, where I feel that peacefulness.  I got into that state for a period of time, but it is hard to maintain.

I went and picked up Rowan today so that we could pick out a present for her friend, who’s having a birthday tomorrow.  Then we swung back by daycare to pick up Nova afterwards.  I asked Rowan if she wanted to come in or stay in the car.  “Stay in the car,” she said.

So I got Nova and she was super tired.  I put her into her carseat and she started to cry.  Got back to the car and there was Rowan, sobbing.  “I changed my mind, I wanted to go with you,” she said in between sobs, “but you were already gone.”  They both cried on the way home, which luckily is a short drive.  But when Nova would wail, Rowan would stop and between sobs say, “It’s okay, Nova huh huh huh, it’s okay.”  I had to stifle a smile.


I stayed home today because 1) I had no brain until 10:00 am and 2) Nova had a cough and the ladies at daycare had written a note about how she might be coming down with something.  She was somewhat cranky, but luckily not too bad.  I spend most of the day watching Angel, rather than doing anything productive.  It was nice to see the sun, soon it will only be weekends that I will get any sunlight.  I think this year I might actually break down and buy one of those SAD light boxes.  Each winter, I feel the darkness more and more.  You’d think being ex-goth and all I would love it, but no, now I like the sun.

I’ve been reading a book “The Scalpel and the Soul, ” written by a neurosurgeon.  It’s good, but a hard read.  It deals with this doctor’s experiences with surgery, death, and the mystical.  And  I don’t know if it’s because winter is coming, or because I know so many people with cancer now, or because I took a job that deals (indirectly) with cancer, I have been feeling the coming gloom.  I look at my beautiful children, and there’s something about having something so good that makes you afraid you might lose it.   My life is pretty good.  Kids, decent marriage, a job with a future–it might be that I’m afraid that something will go wrong.   And then there’s the fact that I am still nowhere the person I want to be, I’m still searching for my path, wondering if I have a destiny, if that doesn’t sound too stuck up.

I had a lot of fun at the meeting.  I had been dreading it a bit, leaving the girls and doing a lot of standing.  But now I miss it.  Even though I was working, it felt like a bit of a vacation.  And tomorrow I will go in the office and get back to my regular life.  I wonder if I will ever stop wondering why it is I am here.  I think of Katy, taking her life when her daughter was 10 months old.  She is forgotten in a sea of people born and dying, kept alive only because of memories, but they fade as time goes by.  I see my father-in-law, getting off the merry-go-round.  It may be a bit sooner than we hoped, but as the same time, everyone gets off eventually to make way for the new ones.

I look at my daughters, the whites of their eyes as white as a boiled egg.  No broken blood vessels or yellowing.   Their whole life is fresh and new like their perfect pure eyeballs.   They are the picture of vitality, life is beautiful, all potentiality.  Who knows the depths or the heights they can achieve?  I hope they will be faster learners than I was, sometimes I still feel so behind.

Last Day

I won’t have a chance to post later, so I’m throwing up a quick post now.  And as I sit here with nothing intelligent to say, I realize I do need my coffee.  It’s been a pretty good learning experience, but it is definitely more fun to go on a business trip with other people.  It’s so nice to have dinner with friends.

San Diego Part II

Yep, I don’t want to hear anymore about the election.  It just makes me want to cry.  Seriously, we deserve nothing we are so stupid.  We deserve a frickin’ dictator.

Okay, I am trying to move past all that.  Went out with some friends tonight to Cafe Zanzibar in San Diego–great little cafe, will probably do breakfast there tomorrow, though sadly by myself.  A bunch of people left today.  The convention center doesn’t open until 10:00 am, which would be great, except it didn’t close tonight until 6:45 pm.  Really, do oncologists have nothing better to do except sit in a convention center until almost 7 pm?  It was pretty dead that last hour. 

Some of the demos I have been doing pretty well, but then I will get the person that tests my knowledge and I realize how little I know about the field.  However, I have been pleasantly surprised how well my feet have held up.  My danish clogs were a good purchase.  I actually wore them out to dinner afterwards instead of changing into sneakers, they still felt good.   I managed to buy gifts for Leif and Rowan, though I really haven’t had much free time.  I found one shop that sold t-shirts with color-changing designs, so that’s what I bought.  I even bought a white (gasp!) tank top and visor for myself, so that when I start running again, I will have something I won’t sweat in as much.  Because believe you me, I think I put on 5 pounds here, we’ve been going out to some fantastic restaurants.  And there’s been some drinks involved as well.  🙂

So tomorrow I am at the convention in the morning and then I leave midafternoon.  I have some misgivings about actually making it home on time though.  I have a 35 minute layover in Chicago and it’s the last flight to Madison.  Wish me luck because I want to see my babies.

San Diego

So this is my third day in San Diego, I’m here for a big meeting of radiation oncologists.  It’s a beautiful city, what I’ve seen of it at least.  🙂  I’ve had to wear suits, but it’s gone pretty well.  It is really nice to have a business trip where I’m with other people.   Usually on business trips I miss my family terribly, especially now when things are going so well.  I mean, Leif and I are getting along so well, despite the addition of another child.  🙂  When Rowan was born, she was great, but the toll on my marriage–well, let’s just say things were looking kind of rocky.  But now I actually want to spend time with my husband, he’s pretty cool and I admit that I love him.

I’ve been keeping in touch and he seems to be holding down the fort, so that’s nice.  And here, last night, I went out with a couple of coworker and we played pool (I played badly) and pinball (also badly).  But it was so nice to have a couple of drinks and just goof off.  I miss that.  I miss going to the clubs and dancing and just hanging out in an adult fashion where I can swear if I want to. 

The hotel has these crazy animal print robes (which can be purchased for $120, whatta deal) but since last night was Halloween and I was dared to do so, I wore a leopard skin bathrobe all night.  The orange leopard print went nicely with the purple animal print tshirt I was already wearing.  🙂  We went out to dinner and then afterwards a few of us went to play pool.  We got there and I coincidentally ordered a Captain and Coke, not knowing it was Captain Morgan night.  We got Captain Morgan tshirts, free Captain and coke samples, polaroids and a free captain mustache and beard kit.  Totally silly, and great fun for me to just let loose and pretend I don’t have young children at home.  I like having coworkers that I can hang out with.

And at the trade show, I think I pulled my own weight.  I will say, I love being tall.  Most men I can at least stand eye-to-eye on and it helps me feel like I know what I’m doing.  But one of best parts is the new data sheet we had.  (Warning, boring work talk ahead).  The main physicist association came out with a new task group about a year ago called TG-142.  My boss had made a spreadsheet with the tests and which ones were performed by our products, which was nice, but a bit unwieldly.  I cleaned it up and put it into a bulleted form for ease of email and sent it to my boss so he wouldn’t have to reinvent the wheel.  Well, he sent it to the other reps and now at the show my little cleaned up bulleted cheat sheet is now and official data sheet that we’ve been giving away to customers.  I had no idea until I saw it here, it makes me feel special.  🙂 

Well, that’s enough for now, but I do plan on doing NaBloPoMo again this year, so check back tomorrow!