I often wonder what my purpose in life is. I know it’s an assumption to believe I have one, but I believe we all have one–it’s just some may be more extreme than others. I’m rediscovering that I am attracted to extreme, but I’m not really that extreme.
Friends of ours had a baby recently (there’s been a lot of that going around). They’re probably going to be the best parents ever. They are centered and grounded and eternally optimistic and I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes wish I was one of them, instead of me. I still just don’t get why I’m here.
Not that I’m not grateful, because I am. I put Nova down to sleep and she woke right up and screamed. I waited a bit and then went to her, and to see that pink face peering over the crib–tonight, I was not annoyed. I picked her up and held her small body and gave thanks to the stars that I am so lucky to have her. Yet I am not always like this. I love my kids–but I don’t feel that my purpose is to be a mom. It’s part of the experience of life that I chose, and I don’t regret it. But I also don’t want to bust out eight babies or anything.
And then sometimes I perform thought experiments, such as–if I were really really rich, what would I do? And my answers are all terribly shallow, like throw really expensive dinner parties for all my friends with really awesome food, and travel to exotic locales and buy a house with a yoga studio. And then I can’t think of anything else. Oh, and I’d buy myself a bootcamp instructor who would whip me into shape so that I could do one-handed pushups. So I can think of one more thing, but the point is, it’s all very inward focused. I don’t really want to go and feed starving children in Ethiopia.
Actually, what I’d probably do is go back to school because I just love learning stuff. I’d probably rack up ten degrees. Astrophysics with a minor in Japanese, perhaps. Art with a minor in Biomedical Engineering. Finish up the coursework in electron microscopy. The one thing that has always been constant is that I love to learn anything that I didn’t know before, the weirder the better. But I can’t see how me increasing my repository of information particularly helps anyone.