A Good Weekend

This past weekend, my friend Heather came to visit.  She was in town for a jewelry convention, the kind for actual jewelers.  She is in training to become a goldsmith, which is pretty awesome.  She has great manual dexterity, so it is a natural fit for her.  We were talking about college (we were roommates in college) and I realized how much stuff my brain has gotten rid of.  I really need to keep up with my blog and/or journal, because seriously, the stuff that she remembers and I don’t is amazing.  Like I should have her write my memoirs and compare it to what I would write.

Memories are a strange thing anyways, what we decide to keep and what we don’t.  And it’s strange how long ago college was for me.   I am grateful for how great my life turned out.

I have been feeling quite a bit mortal these days.  My father-in-law has gotten worse.  Leif’s mom wrote him in an email that he keeps falling down and she finds it difficult to help him get back up.  But the most telling part is that she is investigating hospice, and he is okay with that.  I’m starting to wonder if he’s going to make it through the year–or if he makes it through Christmas will he let go in the death months of January and February?   I feel sad that it’s looking like Nova will have no memories of him.  Nothing to be done about though–people die and people are born, and it goes on and on.

I was rocking Nova to sleep and gazing at her by the dim light of the nightlight and thinking, How beautiful she is.  How lucky I am. I don’t really believe life is a zero-sum game, but it is odd to think that while I am here, in this quiet house, filled with quiet joy, there is chaos and sadness and death somewhere else.  And there is also sunlight and cheering and passionate lovemaking somewhere else.  Every emotion is happening, somewhere.   It makes me feel strange to think of it.   Maybe that’s why I prefer the mornings more.  Night makes me all pensive and broody, even though I would say overall, I’m pretty happy.

Continuing On. . .

So last night I was actually planning on writing more, but guess what?  I was interrupted yet again.  It has been frustrating, my life.  Things should be going great.  I have a new job and a beautiful baby.  Except that beautiful baby wants to be with me all the time.  She is either with me or fussing because she’s not.  And she’s adorable, but I feel like a need a vacation from my life.  The new job is work–and that’s fine, it’s totally what I signed up for.  Something to actually challenge, make me grow.  But my lazy self is still dragging me down.  And then I get home and the house is a mess, piles of papers and clothes and then a couple of weeks ago we had to take Kiku to the vet because she was peeing blood.  Yep, there is something more disgusting that cat pee, cat pee with blood.  She has different food and no more crystals in her urine and no more E. coli infection, but I just feel overwhelmed.  I wish I could just be happy.

Of course, all I want to do is drink wine and eat cheese and/or chocolate because these are things I like.  But they’re not always good for me.  And exercise–I haven’t done a thing.  Well, I did start up my bellydance classes again, so that’s good, but I’m not in shape.  And yes, I am grateful that I got the baby weight off, that is nice.  But I am not fit on the inside.  I don’t feel energetic or particularly happy and I am constrained because I don’t want to have to drive a half hour to drop Nova off just to do something on my own.  And I don’t want people over either because then I’d have to clean and god forbid that people see my house as it truly is.  Yes, a prison of my own making.  I’m just really, really grouchy these days.

And I’m trying to quit coffee and soda and that’s not going well either.  I think I just like to have a checklist of all the things I’m not doing as excuses to hate myself.  Okay, (here comes mama mode), I don’t hate myself.  But I’m just not proud of myself.  I’d love to see friends BUT I am fed up–FED UP–with making plans that fall through, because apparently that’s what friends are for–blowing off, because they’ll always understand that you found something more important.  After all, what does a person’s word mean these days?

Okay, that came off a bit more bitter than I intended.  It’s not really that bad.  I just feel like I’m always late, never prepared, and life is passing and I am accomplishing. . . nothing.   And if I were a man, I would just get myself laid, but my dear husband does not understand that such things do not shut my brain up.  How lovely and simple it would be if all I needed was a little nookie to make my problems go away!  Things are actually going well on that front–if I did take a vacation, I would want him with me–it’s just not my preferred mode of escape.  I miss bootcamp.

Well, October is almost done and as Nova gets older, perhaps she will not cling to me so.  One of my books has a statement about the older baby (6- 12 mos):  “The demands of a lover are delightful if reciprocated and oppressive if not.”  It’s sweet how much she loves me, crawling on me, standing up, pulling on my pants legs.   It’s just . . . a new baby and a new job = a lot more stress.  It will get better, I’m just not a very patient person!

9 Months

So Nova turned 9 months just the other day.  She celebrated by eating her first pellets of unsupervised cat food and trying to get into the litter box.  Ew.   I also had my yearly eye exam.  Some people fear the dentist, but not me.  After all, if my teeth fall out there are fake teeth available.  However, though there may be fake eyes available, but those don’t actually see.   Yes, my pregnancy with Nova made my left eye worse.  So now my my yearly cost for glasses is $600 a pop.  Double that if I want to get contacts too.  Though I didn’t ask if they were available for my new, stronger prescription.  I am grateful that my eyes still work, but now because of my extreme near-sightedness I am at risk for a detached retina.  The doctor checked it out, and though my left one (the worse one) looks okay, there is some thinning at the edges of the right eye.  He told me to always wears sunglasses, take a multivitamin, and eat lots of leafy green veggies to aid in prevention.  Sigh.  So depressing.

The job is going okay, by the way.