Today one of my friends said, “Good post on the work situation. You do know that she might find it though?” In that moment I felt a cold sliver of fear. I wanted to go and take down my post immediately. But then, I went and re-read it and realized I stand by what I wrote.
I’m not going to take it down, because I tried to be civilized about it, honest (but not mean) about my side. Because at the end of the day, this is my blog and it is biased toward me, as I can only be in my own head. 🙂 The other reason I’m going to leave it up is as an exercise in courage.
I may not come across as a stereotypical Cancer, but there is one attribute of mine that is very Cancer-ish. I dislike direct confrontation. I tend to scuttle to the side of it and figure out a different way to deal with it. Often, if taken by surprise, I need a moment or two to collect myself and if it looks like it will be ugly I will simply withdraw.
For example, when my parents said I was going to hell for living with my fiancé, I simply stopped calling them. They could call me and I would answer the phone (although in that incident we did not speak for months) but I didn’t want to argue about it. Or when my father told me I was a disappointment for no longer being Christian, I simply stopped the conversation. I’m not going to argue with that viewpoint either, I’m just going to walk away. And this technique does have its uses. Now my parents don’t bring up religion and we can act nice around each other.
But it is fear that stopped me from being open about my work situation on my blog. I haven’t talked about it widely at work–only my close friends know what went on. And I guess I am afraid that she will read this and dislike me even more. Or find it and try to talk to me about it. If either happens, I’ll learn how to deal with it.
So in this case, I’m going to feel the fear and blog about it anyway.