In case you’ve been wondering where I am, I am still here. 🙂 I have just been very internal lately. Half the time I wonder if my thoughts wouldn’t just bore people, so why bother writing them down. But I had a conversation with a friend of mine and I was saying how I had gotten a compliment on my eyeshadow (yellow and bright green that day) and I realized that if I were no longer around, people would notice. She told me that people do notice, and even in my withdrawn periods, people notice.
I have been a bit up and down, it’s odd. At bellydance class I feel fat and ugly, though I am learning so much, so I don’t want to quit. When I have friends over for dinner, I feel beautiful and free. I read a lot on life and spirituality. I feel like I am getting better at accepting that someday I will die, even though I really don’t want to do so now. Too much to do yet, and my girl needs me.
I am really try to work at becoming a better person. For one thing, I would like to have more strange and mystical experiences–yet I know right now, I would feel far too much fear if something weird happened to me. I’m not mature enough to handle it without peeing my pants. I really want to get away from fear, because there is still a lot of fear that hides in me, influencing my actions.
I would really like to help people, and more than anything, I want to have a meaningful impact in this world. But unless I learn to more focussed, more disciplined, more clear, I will not have much power to influence much of anything. And that’s what I’m working on these days.